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On Wednesday, Chicago police were called in to inves- tigate a "very suspicious green substance" on the sidewalk.
IT WAS GUACAMOLE!
We are reaching near hysterical proportions here. A reader of Bizarre News recently purchased CDs and a camera from our e-commerce department. Having forgotten that he had ordered several CDs and a free camera from us, he called the police who promptly came to his house, took the box out to a field and blew it up. After sifting through the bits of camera and melted CDs he remembered the purchase and called us to report the incident and ask for the product to be replaced. I know we are all a little bit on edge, but if this is how we are answering the call from our President to be "cautious", we are headed for a tough winter.
How about the two guys on a plane who "looked suspicious" to a couple of passengers? They reported this suspicious behavior (they were speaking in a foreign language and were gently rocking back and forth) so the two gentlemen were escorted off the plane. They were two Orthodox Jews praying...
Then there is Steve Robertson, the hapless computer salesman. He was on a flight headed for Las Vegas. While boarding the plane, he saw a buddy several rows to the rear. His buddy's name? Jack Simpson. As luck would have it, Steve yelled to his buddy with a hearty smile only a salesman could muster, Hi...Jack! Three passengers jumped on him and beat the guy to a pulp.
And the oddest "call to an authority" had to be the lady who received a package in the mail. She actually called with a frantic voice:
Caller: Hello, I don't know what to do. I have a leaky box.
911 Operator: Pardon me?
Caller: I said... I have a leaky box! WHAT DO I DO?
So, before you call the authorities...GET A GRIP folks.
(from bizarrenews.com)
CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles.
Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously. "Oh, don't worry, you've never heard of it, it hasn't been invented yet." replied the psychic.
Miss America vs Miss Afghanistan
On the left is Katie Harmon, Miss America, wearing the swimsuit she chose for the competition.
On the right is Aliyah Muhammed, wearing the heavy smothering burqua as required by the oppressive Taliban regime.
Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping to eventually get a Master's degree in Bioethics.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at all, and cannot read or write.
Miss America has worked as a lab assistant at both the Oregon Health Sciences University and the University of Puget Sound.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from working.
Miss America's father is an engineer. Her mother is a teacher.
Miss Afghanistan's father was shot by a gang of Taliban militants. Her mother begs for bread scraps since she cannot work or remarry.
Miss America wowed the judges by singing a Puccini aria, "O Mio Babbino Caro"
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from singing or even listening to music of any kind.
Miss America will be traveling the nation nonstop during her reign.
Miss Afghanistan cannot leave her house without a male family member, cannot drive, and cannot be out after dark.
Miss America is an advocate for breast cancer research.
Miss Afghanistan cannot be treated by a male doctor, and for all practical purposes has no access to medical treatment of any kind.
Miss America can date, marry, or divorce anyone she chooses.
Miss Afghanistan will be stoned to death if caught in the company of a male outside of her family. She is likely to be sold into an arranged marriage to a man who already has two wives.
Miss America wears sunscreen on the beach to keep from burning.
Miss Afghanistan cannot live in a house with windows unless they are painted black. Since she must wear a burqua outside, her pale translucent skin has not seen a ray of sunlight in years.
Miss America could have been disqualified if her swimsuit did not meet pageant standards.
Miss Afghanistan can be flogged if the holes in the mesh covering her face are too large.
Miss America will decide how many children, if any, she wants to have.
Miss Afghanistan will be pregnant 3-4 times more often than Miss America. Unfortunately, her babies are 25 times more likely to die in the first year. One out of four will not see their 5th birthday.
Miss America is majoring in speech communications at PSU.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from speaking in public.
Miss America is 21. Since the U.S. life expectancy for women is 80, she's still a very young woman.
Miss Afghanistan is also 21. But since the life expectancy for an Afghan woman is 43, next year she will be "over-the-hill". (Besides having a shockingly short life expectancy overall, Afghanistan is one of the only countries in the world in which women have a shorter life expectancy than men)
Miss America is a beautiful, intelligent woman and everyone knows it.
Miss Afghanistan is also a beautiful, intelligent woman... but nobody will ever know it.
God Bless Miss America
God Help Miss Afghanistan
